Dancing in the Sky

It's been two weeks since my beloved Grandma Nan transitioned into her Heavenly home and Eternal Life. To say it's been a rollercoaster of emotions since then has been an understatement. Grief is a funny thing, you know? Some days it makes you laugh. Some days, it makes you smile. Some days, it makes you angry. Most days though, grief makes you cry.

I've heard it said that grief is the price you pay for love, and boy, is that the truth. The only way I can best describe grief is that it comes in waves. Some waves are small. You can muddle through them without getting completely knocked over. Some waves are big. You need to grab your surfboard and ride them the best that you can. Then, some waves are huge. You stare them face down and feel like they're coming for you, to swallow you up and devour you. And, you just want to run away from those waves, but the current keeps pulling you back in. You fight, and you fight hard until eventually, you float with the wave and let it pass over you.

A big misconception about grief is that it goes away. Speaking from experience, it doesn't. It gets further away, but it still peaks its head around every so often. 9 years ago was when I first experienced the sharp pain of grief when my wonderful Papa Frank went to be with The Lord. I didn't really understand the proper way to grieve, as it was the first major loss in my life. Less than a year later, my precious Grandpa Gene gained his angel wings, and the grief doubled. 2 major losses in a blink of an eye.

Over time, the pain dulled. The tears slowly turned to smiles and happy memories replaced the last moments that played on repeat in my head. I came to know Christ, grow my faith, and surrounded myself with Christ-centered people. I accepted that I had a sky full of angels watching over me. The wounds that once felt so raw and open had gradually healed with the balm of Christ. I knew where my grandfathers were, and now, I know with confidence where my grandmother is.

My Grandma Nan was such a unique woman. We always knew that she was there. She was like the anchor of our family, our security. She never held a grudge and she loved with everything she had, and I believe that with every bone in my body. I never questioned if she loved me or if she was proud of me. I never thought about that, I didn't have to. She always made that known. My grandma had been through so much in her life that somewhere along the line, I naively assumed she was indestructible. I think all of my family had thought that. She was a strong woman that overcame many obstacles and fought through incredible challenges. Yet, through it all, she never crumbled and her faith never wavered.

My grandma held her faith very close to her heart -- closer than any of us knew. She read her Bible, said her prayers, and believed that Jesus was her Savior. She was quiet about her faith, but she understood and loved Scripture. For that alone, I know she is dancing in the sky with Him. One of my last conversations with her happened to be on Easter Sunday, the last time I saw her, and we talked about the miracle of the Resurrection. I noticed that her eyes lit up that day as we celebrated the triumphant rising of Jesus. I look back now and wonder, maybe... just maybe, she had an inkling that she would be meeting Him just a couple of weeks later.

I consider myself extremely blessed for the memories that I have with her. I know that I am immeasurably blessed with special memories with all of my incredible grandparents. Not many people are privileged to know, love and have a bond with all four of their grandparents, but all glory to Him above for giving me that opportunity. In the last day or so, I've found myself in between laughter, gratitude, and tears remembering our times together. Two of my favorite memories were our after school lunch dates. When my grandma picked me up from school as a child, it was right around lunch time and we would always grab a special treat at McDonald's or Burger King. We both loved their french fries! :) She also had a huge pear tree in her yard, and every time I would go over her house, we would go and pick the juiciest, freshest pears and eat them until we were stuffed silly. Oh, how I wish I could go back in time to relieve those moments, or I wish I had just one more day to say everything that is still in my heart.

The wound of grief has been reopened, adding a fresh layer to the healed ones. I want to say, no matter how much faith you have, grief still hurts. We still weep. The most powerful verse in the Bible is from John 11:35 "Jesus wept." I find that particular verse comforting. A little background context behind this verse...

Jesus had just found out his dear friend Lazarus had passed away. He was very close to the family of Lazarus. When He saw His friends suffering and mourning at their loss, Jesus was deeply moved. Jesus deeply cared for Lazarus and his sisters, Mary and Martha. Although Jesus knew this had to happen in order to glorify God, and that in a few minutes Jesus would resurrect Lazarus, He felt their pain and sorrow. He was empathetic to their loss. Jesus' weeping here shows how much He loves and cares for us. God never delights in our pain, never takes our sadness lightly, even though He knows that He will restore everything and everyone we've lost. Like any Good Father, God does not want to see us in pain, even if He knows that pain will lead to a greater good.

Right then and there, Jesus took on their pain. Right here and now, Jesus takes on my pain. And, Jesus will take on your pain too. He wants to remind us all that no matter what we face in life, Jesus is always there. He meets us in the middle of our pain. Jesus wept because those He loved wept. And because of this, He is the greatest comforter we could ever have in our times of grief. Praise His name indeed.

Most importantly though, Jesus promises the Hope of the Resurrection. If we don't have that hope, what good is our faith? In John 11:25-26, Jesus explains this to Lazarus' sister, Martha. “Jesus said to her, ‘I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this?’” During this time of loss, I feel Him asking me the same question. And I say, yes, Lord, I believe!

On May 8, 2022, Heaven became brighter with the addition of my Grandma Nan. Since that day, her new Heavenly birthday, I've seen so many signs of her presence, of her spirit being fully alive and free. I rejoice for her, for she rose when Jesus called her name. No more sorrow, no more pain. She rose on eagle's wings. Hallelujah. Yes, I will miss her for the rest of my life. I will miss her hugs, her voice, her laughter, her knowledge, and everything she was. I will miss seeing her, visiting her, and learning from her. Until we meet again, I will learn to live with the love she left behind.

To those who may be grieving right now, I encourage you to find peace in Jesus. I encourage you to read His Word, take comfort in His Word, and let Him hold you close. I also encourage you to seek grief counseling, and to surround yourself with uplifting people during this time. I encourage you to rest in the knowledge that your loved one never truly leaves you. Below is a song by a dear friend of mine that has helped me cope with this loss. Brothers and sisters, He will carry you.

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