Turning Tests into Testimonies

Note: I share my story in hopes that it can help even just ONE person. Nobody should go through anything alone, & I always love a chance to glorify what Christ has done in my life.

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. Next to anything animal related, mental health is a cause I hold near to my heart. 12 years ago, I experienced my first panic attack. Needless to say, I had no idea what was happening. All I knew was that I felt like my world was turning upside down. I also had no idea that from that one night, I would begin a long & unexpected journey with anxiety. It’s a journey that I hated for a long time, but have come to find gratitude & beauty in it. It’s become my testimony to God’s faithfulness, which I never expected in a million years.

Living with anxiety & panic attacks suffocated me for the longest time. The physical symptoms were enough to exhaust me for days, but the mental & emotional toll was enough to exhaust me for a lifetime. These attacks would last anywhere from a half hour to 2 hours. Brutal, to say the least.

If you haven’t experienced or heard of anxiety/panic attacks, the physical symptoms include: seizure-like shaking, hot flashes, cold sweats, pounding heart/palpitations, nausea, GI upset, dizziness, lightheadedness, neck/shoulder/throat tightness, shortness of breath…just to name a few.

But, then there’s the mental & emotional side effects, or as I like to call it: the aftermath. Once the physical symptoms finally pass, it hits you. The guilt, shame, embarrassment, depression, self-deprecation, hopelessness, the “what is wrong with me?” thoughts. These side effects used to last for days for me. Sometimes, these were far worse than the physical symptoms.

Throughout my 12-year journey, I was passed from doctor to doctor, given a variety of medications that made me feel like a walking zombie, & nothing seemed to help. The anxiety attacks kept spontaneously coming - forcing me to cancel plans, miss college classes & work, & simply miss out on living my life! I was angry, frustrated, humiliated, afraid, & constantly stuck in fight-or-flight mode. I hated myself. I was bullied & belittled for struggling with anxiety. I was told I was a freak. I was told I was a failure. I was told that nobody would or could ever love me because I suffered from anxiety. I was told that I’d never make a good mother or wife, & that my anxiety was ruining other people’s lives. I heard that God must be punishing me for something. I wasn’t saying the right prayers, I wasn’t going through the right rituals. Hearing all of these things doesn’t exactly make someone want to continue living. You don’t necessarily want to end your life either, but you desperately want the pain to stop, the anxiety to stop, the cruelty of others to stop. You just want peace, you just want every day to not be a fight.

Then… in late 2018, like a breath of fresh air, God unexpectedly brought me to a biblical counselor, who led me to the only one who could truly heal my soul: Jesus. I always knew OF Him, but I never truly knew Him, & there’s such a huge difference.

I learned the truth about our Savior. God was never a judgmental, punishing God who took pleasure in my suffering. Quite the extreme opposite! He’s a gentle, humble, loving Father who sent His Son to die for me & it was because he loved me so much to allow this to happen. Anxiety drew me to Christ. It called me toward Him. In my deepest, darkest moments, I learned to cry out to Him, & every time, He saved me. Sometimes, He calmed the storm with a whisper “peace! Be still” - other times, He held me close & let the wind & waves go wild. But, one thing I know, He always calmed His child. He still does.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

12 years later & this journey looks so different from when I started…in the best way. I still struggle with anxiety from time to time, but I know now that His strength is made perfect in my weakness.

I’m consistently reminded of the apostle Paul. We know that Paul struggled with something - a thorn in his flesh. We don’t know what exactly this thorn was, but we know that 3 times he pleaded with God to take it away.

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:8-10

Despite insults, weaknesses, difficulties, or persecutions, Paul chose to praise God. He chose to run to Jesus, to trust in Him & His plans for Paul’s life. Paul chose to live with the victor mindset rather than victim. He knew who he belonged to, & he knew his worth in Christ. He accepted the path that Jesus set him on.

I think that as humans, we like to believe that we know what’s best for us. If it were up to me, there’d be no wounds or blisters on my soul. There’d be no anxiety, disease, depression , or fear. If it were up to me, I’d take the easy route, where pain might come, but it wouldn’t come for me. I think a lot of us would prefer it that way. But, we would miss the grace & mercy that changes our lives. We’d never know how good His plans could be.

If you struggle with anxiety, depression, or any mental health issue, please know that you’re not broken. You aren’t a mistake. You were created by God for a purpose. You might not see it, you might not feel it, but feelings aren’t facts. You also aren’t a bad Christian if you struggle with these things. We, as Christians, need to break that stigma.

The Bible never states that struggling with any kind of health issue equals a lack of faith. In fact, the Bible is filled with examples of imperfect people who God used for His glory & good.

• David: cried out to God in anguish, fear, & despair. Psalm 42

• Elijah: begged God to take his life, right after God proved Himself victorious. 1 Kings 19:4

• Job: poured out bitter grief, sorrow, agony, & cursed the day he was born. Job 3

• Jeremiah: wrestled with rejection & despair. Jeremiah 20:14-18

• Hannah: wept bitterly, & experienced shame. 1 Samuel 1:10

• Jonah: experienced anger & unforgiveness, was overwhelmed & wished for death. Jonah 4:3

• Paul: as mentioned above, suffered from a thorn in his side & “despaired of life itself.” 2 Corinthians 1:8

Jesus doesn’t look at our mental health struggles & call us failures. He draws near to us with everlasting compassion, not disappointment. His love, mercy, & presence isn’t a reward for “having it all together” - rather, it’s a safe haven & refuge for when we don’t!

It’s so important to remember that following Christ doesn’t make us exempt from anxiety, trauma, depression, or any other mental health challenges. Unfortunately, as long as we live in a fallen world, we will have troubles. Jesus said that. But, He also told us to take heart & do not be afraid, for He has overcome the world. See, faith doesn’t erase our struggles, but rather, it invites Jesus to sit with us in the storm.

Please know, you can be spiritually mature & experience anxiety. You can be committed to Jesus & experience depression. You can be faithful & seeking professional help - whether from counseling or medical professionals. You can be a strong Christian & still be healing.

I’ve learned that: it’s okay not to be okay. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to talk about it. Following Jesus includes taking care of your emotions. It’s not selfish. Give your emotions over to God. He can handle it! Healing begins when we are honest with God, ourselves, & safe people who reflect His light & grace. He promises to turn your test into a testimony, & your mess into a message.